Tone Policing
“Imagine if you will, experiencing an act of violence and then being asked to talk about what you experienced without expressing any strong emotions. This is clearly inhumane. To be human is to feel. To talk about pain without expressing pain is to expect a human to recall information like a robot. When you insist that BiPOC talk about their painful experiences with racism without expressing any pain, rage or grief, you are asking them to dehumanize themselves.”
Hi Friends!
Welcome to Issue 22 of this newsletter. Today’s topic is Tone Policing. While I’ve discussed this concept in other newsletters like one of my first on Allyship, I’ve not given it it’s own specific piece, and I thought it was time! Tone policing is a diversionary tactic used when a person purposely turns away from the message behind another’s argument in order to focus solely on the delivery of it. By telling people not to express their anger at oppression, tone police are not only promoting their own personal comfort over that of someone who is in pain, but they are also asking a traumatized group to suffer in silence. Let’s get into it!
Key Terms
Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment.
Conditional Support: Choosing to only support an individual, a group or a cause if they behave in a predetermined mannar. The opposite of unconditional support.
Angry Black Women Troupe: In the aftermath of slavery and the resulting social, economic, and political effects, Black women have become the victims of negative stereotyping in mainstream American culture. Such stereotypes include the myth of the angry Black woman that characterizes these women as aggressive, ill tempered, illogical, overbearing, hostile, and ignorant without provocation.
Let’s Get Into It
Tone policing isn’t something that just happens when we are talking about racism. Tone policing might be something you do in an argument with your spouse or your parent. It might be something you do at work. It could happen anytime someone feels attacked or triggered and (understandably) is unable to regulate their emotions in a “socially acceptable” manner. When you speak to someone who has been traumatized, and you are able to be more articulate, concise and calm, it says nothing about your communication skills, what it says is that the other person (rightfully so) might not have the ability to both grapple with their lived experience and artfully craft a conversation. It’s important to remember this as an ally, or on the receiving end of a person discussing their triggers.
The only productive conversation is a calm conversation.
Conversations are debates with with 2+ sides being presented calmly, equally and neutrally,
Conversations must drive towards solutions and that emotions are a hindrance towards solution-finding.
Examples of tone policing:
“Calm down so we can discuss this like adults.”
”You get more flies with honey than with vinegar.”
“It’s hard to take you seriously when you’re so emotional.”
“When you’re ready to talk about this in a rational way, let me know.”
“Your language is divisive.”
“This isn’t the time or place for you to express your emotions.”
“You cannot speak to me in that tone.”
“You’d have a lot more people on your side if you weren’t so rude.”
Why You Should Stop Tone Policing:
Tone policing genders emotions and reinforces stereotypes.
It preserves privilege for folks who do not want to have uncomfortable conversations.
It suppresses the voices of the marginalized who have righteous anger that deserves to be expressed.
It prevents allies from acknowledging their mistakes, educating themselves, and lifting up others.
The right reaction is to listen, check where and how you went wrong and do better in future.
Don’t be quick to condemn the anger, instead examine the root of the problem.
Focus should be on the issue and not the tone in which the issue is expressed.
Anger, frustration and pain are valid emotions. People (including you) are allowed to be angry and emotional when you are being mistreated. They do not owe anyone any sort of explanation and it doesn’t make them unreasonable or rude.
Tone policing is a specific diversionary tactic that someone in a position of power forces onto a marginalized or vulnerable person or group. It’s not tone policing to demand respect or to enforce your boundaries, and while this may seem difficult to discern, power dynamics play a key role and can shed more clarity on any given situation. I know this can be a complex issue friends, as always, reach out with your thoughts. See ya next week!
